


And the Serpent Entered the Garden

by CatchingClouds



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misgendering, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Aziraphale (Good Omens), Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-11-10 15:50:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20854316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatchingClouds/pseuds/CatchingClouds
Summary: Ariel Fell is the youngest in the family, and the biggest disappointment.She is dealing with all these conflicting thoughts and feelings, and doesn't know how to cope with them.To make matters worse, a new kid has just moved to school, and he's everything her parents hate.Isn't that just her luck.---this is another human/high school au that!! no one asked for!! is this also a shameless excuse for me to project and vent onto a fictional character? thats for me to know.the chapter notes at the beginning of each chapter have warnings about whats in each one, so please look at those bc i include some,, touchy things in this. be safe please!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ok so, aziraphale is trans in this, and his dead name is ariel bc i was trying to think of another angel name, and it starting with a wasnt really the plan, but thats what happened.  
for the record! this is not meant to bash anyone who views aziraphale and crowley differently. all interpretations are valid!! this is just the way they are written for this  
this was written by a trans male author!! id like to think i have a vague knowledge of what im writing about,,  
this is gonna deal with some other stuff that gets a bit heavy in later chapters so please be weary of that! take care of yourselves please :o  
otherwise, thank you for reading this!!
> 
> this chapter includes:  
smoking, vague descriptions of gender dysphoria, and self-hatred

She had never liked the way her body looked.

The way it folded and stretched in places it shouldn't always made her feel... disgusting.   
Her hips were too wide, her shoulders too small, and her chest... thinking too hard about it made her nauseous. Carved a deep pit in her, and made her stomach twist in unpleasant ways. 

She'd mentioned it, once, to her brother Gabriel. She was eleven or twelve. Her parents had come to her later and, well...  
She didn't bring it up again.

"Ariel, dear, do you think you really need all that food?" Her father asked over the morning paper. Her hands froze over the dishes of food in the middle of the table. She glanced at her own plate, and then her siblings' plates. Her plate easily had the least food on it. She opened her mouth to argue, but her eyes drifted to her own figure and she closed it.  
"Sorry, father, you're right..." She replied quietly. He wouldn't have said anything if she didn't need to hear it. She could stand to lose some weight. The rest of her family all looked good. They were fit, and attractive, and well-respected. Ariel was not. She stuck out like a sore thumb.  
Where her siblings stood tall and proud, Ariel's shoulders slouched and she cowered at the edge of social functions. Where they were sculpted and firm, she was soft and rounded. She liked her sweets, and her soft things, and her family did not. And where her family was strong and powerful, she was not. No, the worst way she dissapointed them was by being weak. She was weak, and didn't belong, and often wondered how it came to be that she was born into this family in the first place.  
Ariel was the black sheep of the family, in a painfully obvious way.

Breakfast came and went, and Ariel and her siblings were taken to school. Ariel enjoyed school. Well, to an extent- there were always drawbacks to any situation. She went to a public highschool, which in and of itself wasn't a drawback, but the people were. She lived in a conservative area. Everyone went to church regularly, and while Ariel was fine with this... the people there said and did a number of things that made her feel wrong.   
Made her feel sinful.  
Ariel wanted to be a good daughter. She didn't mean to have all these terrible thoughts. She wanted to make her family proud. She wanted to grow up to be a strong woman, someone her family wasn't ashamed to be around.   
But therein lied the problem. When Ariel thought about growing up to be a woman, her insides twisted painfully, and she got upset all over again. The worst of it was, she didn't even know why, and it was driving her crazy.  
'Perhaps I can go to the library today during lunch,' Ariel mused to herself, picking at a loose thread on her skirt. That always made her feel better.  
Ariel was a smart person. She enjoyed reading and studying, and she was passing all of her classes with flying colors. All advanced classes, even, save for her electives. But it still wasn't enough for her parents. It never was.  
Ariel shook her head and started heading towards her first class. No need to dwell on that sort of thing right now. She settled into her usual seat and prepared for class as the teacher started taking attendance, but paused when the teacher called a name she didn't recognize.  
"Anthony Craw-ly," she called, squinting through oversized glasses and drawing out the 'aw' sound in the middle of his name. "Anthony J Craw-ly?"  
Ariel wondered vaguely what the J stood for, but this 'Anthony' person appeared to be absent, so it was unlikely she would learn in the near future. She sighed and pushed all thoughts of the new name out of her mind, determined to focus on her work.

By the time lunch rolled around, Ariel had heard a number of things about Anthony J Crowley. First of all, it was 'Crow-ley,' like the bird. How her teacher had gotten 'Crawly' would be a mystery to Ariel, if that teacher wasn't known for having terrible eyesight and being terribly old. Secondly, he was new in town. He had just moved in from somewhere, but where exactly was still a rumor, and no one seemed to have a real answer. And thirdly, this Anthony character was a bit of a rebel. Apparently he wore all black, and had bright red hair, and had sunglasses. He might have been a cultist. He skipped classes, and smoked at school, and cursed out teachers. All on his first day of school.  
Quite frankly, this all seemed a little hard for Ariel to believe. But it also seemed like a lot of trouble to her, too. So really, Ariel prayed silently to herself, if she could just avoid Anthony, everything would be for the better.  
However, Ariel had never had good luck.

"Good morning, Anathema," Ariel greeted as she entered the library. Anathema was one of Ariel's only friends here, and she was glad for it. Anathema may have some odd world views, but she was quite a bright girl herself, and enjoyed a good book as much as Ariel did, so they got along just fine. And really, not having many friends here suited Ariel just fine.  
"Hey, Ariel," Anathema mumbled in reply, acknowledging Ariel without looking up from her book. She was clearly not in the mood to chat, so Ariel made her way towards the back of the library, pausing and pulling books from the shelves as she went. She found a quiet table to sit at in the back of the library and began reading, wondering if she might be able to stay here for the rest of the day. Her teachers liked her well enough, she thought, so maybe...  
A terrible smell overwhelmed her suddenly, and she began to cough. It felt as if she was being suffocated. She looked around wildly, trying to determine where it was coming from. Her eyes landed on a figure in the corner.  
The figure had bright red, shoulder length hair, black clothes, and sharp features. And worst of all, a serpentine grin, whose thin lips were wrapped around a cigarette. The offending cigarette that was making that terrible smell and choking up the library with smoke.  
"Why," she started, unsure, "are you smoking in here?"  
"About the only damn place here that I can smoke," he replied, moving from the corner. "Well. Without getting caught, that is."  
"Oh, but you might ruin the books... Get ash on them, or something," Ariel tutted, drawing the books she picked out closer to herself and watching the boy as he started to circle the table she sat at.  
"The books?" He echoed, a note of amusement in his voice, "That's what you're worried about? The books. Not my health, not your health...?"  
"Er, well- that's not to say, rather, th-that you should smoke, in general, I mean- like you said, that is, i-it's not good, for you, uh," Ariel floundered, glancing around, her hands fluttering uselessly before she pressed them to her chest, smoothing her shirt. The boy laughed and took the seat across from her, spreading his limbs out and leaning on the table, the half-smoked cigarette still in his grasp.   
"You ever smoked before?" He asked, his grin still present, but eyes unreadable behind those ridiculous sunglasses.   
"Oh, Heavens, no!" Ariel exclaimed, eyebrows drawn high. "And if my parents ever found out, well- I shudder to even imagine..."  
"You've never even thought about trying it, though?" He pressed, tilting his head and moving his hand, offering the cigarette to her. Ariel paused at this, a blush rising on her cheeks.  
"Well, I wouldn't say... never," She admitted. In the past, she had considered something like this. Well, perhaps not smoking specifically. But doing something outlandish, in rebellion. Just to see what her parents would say. "But certainly not with someone I don't even know the name of." She added, prompting him.  
"Crowley," He answered simply, "And yourself?"  
"Ah," Ariel replied, a look of understanding gracing her for a moment, "Anthony Crowley. I've heard a thing or two about you. It's nice to put a face to the name," she paused, laughing softly. "My name is... Ariel. Ariel Fell." Her smile faltered slightly, the discomfort at introducing herself overwhelming her for a moment.  
"Ah, Ariel Fell. I've heard a thing or two about you myself," he mimicked, taking a drag from his cigarette, "Hopefully you've only heard good things about me?"   
"Oh, certainly," Ariel smiled, "Though you simply must introduce me to those cultists you apparently know, my dear," She laughed again, pleased when Crowley laughed as well.  
"You got it," he joked, then suddenly switched topics, "So how about it, angel? Feel like being a bit of a rebel?" He offered the cigarette again, eyebrow raised.  
"Well, you only live once, as they say," she said, taking it from him. She started raising the cigarette to her lips, before pausing. "Angel?"  
"Ngk- well, er... Fell, that's your last name, right? That's- Gabriel, Uriel, Micheal- they're your siblings right?" Ariel nodded, and he continued, "So, er- those are, you're all named after angels..." he mumbled.  
"Oh," Ariel simply said, blushing again. She gave him a brief smile, then took a drag from the cigarette. Almost immediately, she started coughing, and handed the cigarette back to Crowley. It took her a moment to catch her breath, and when she did, she realized Crowley was snickering.  
"Well," she started, clearing her throat, "that was certainly... something." She paused again, her throat still burning. "Thank you for, er, sharing, I suppose, but I do believe I won't be doing anything like that again any time soon."  
"Don't mention it, angel," Crowley smiled. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, Ariel turning back to her book and Crowley pulling out his phone. However, Ariel wasn't reading the words on the page in front of her. She was too focused on the burn in the back of her throat. Despite it, there was a small smile on her face.   
She had done something bad. She did something she wasn't supposed to, on purpose. Her parents didn't know, and they didn't have to. Her parents- oh, God, her parents, what would they say if they found out? What would they do-?  
"Um," Ariel started, panic beginning to bleed into her tone, "Perhaps this is- rather, what I mean to say is," she tried again, unable to get the words out. Crowley looked up from his phone, cocking an eyebrow as he waited for her to speak up. She tried several times, before she was able to get anything out.  
"I apologize, my dear, I just- I don't want anyone to know that I..." She finally got out, averting her gaze.   
"That you what? That you've been fraternising with the Anthony Crowley?" He bit back, his expression trying to communicate amusement and nonchalance, but the way he tensed his shoulders betrayed something else.  
"Oh! Oh, no," Ariel backtracked, "No, I should hardly think who I spend my time with matters- well, I should hope, but I didn't mean that. I rather meant, well, I don't want anyone to find out that I was smoking, or tried to, I suppose." She quickly stuttered out, quieting the longer she talked. Crowley relaxed minutely, rolling his eyes in a way Ariel could almost feel.   
"Do I really look like the type of person to rat someone out for that? Seems a little hypocritical to me," he replied, leaning back in his seat.  
"O-oh, yes, I suppose, I'm sorry-" she started, only to be cut off by the bell signaling the end of lunch. She froze, hands fumbling with the book she had picked out earlier.  
"You should probably get going," Crowley said after a beat, making no moves to get up himself.  
"Probably," Ariel agreed. She stood, dread settling in her stomach as she slowly began to pack up her things. Once she had everything gathered, she moved to leave, before pausing and turning back one more time.  
"You know," she started, giving Crowley a smile, "I do believe we have some classes together, if you ever decide to attend them."  
"I'll see you around, angel," Crowley replied, returning her smile. Ariel nodded to him and turned to go once more, smile still firmly in place. Despite the dread she felt at facing the last of her classes, she was in good spirits for the rest of the day.

"So, how was everyone's day at school?" Ariel's mother asked over dinner. There was a short series of nonverbal responses before Gabriel spoke up.  
"Apparently there's a new student at school, and no one seems to know how to shut up about him," he said, rolling his eyes. "Anthony, something or other, I think." Ariel's father made a noise at this.  
"Crowley? I heard some things about him from other parents. He sounds like a trouble maker to me." He said between bites.  
"I heard some rumors that he was... gay," Gabriel spoke up again, keeping his tone even as he waited for his father's response. Ariel's heart lodged itself in her throat and her blood ran cold as her father made an angry noise.  
"You should all stay away from him." He said, finality in his tone. Ariel knew better than to say anything in response.   
She finished her dinner quickly and excused herself to her room, her head swimming with thoughts.  
Her throat burned again, in a different, worse way. She stared at the mirror on her vanity, eyes brimming with tears, and cursed her luck. Of course she shouldn't see him. One of the few nice people at that damn school and she couldn't speak to him. Tears started falling down her face, and suddenly she was sobbing, hand over her mouth to keep from making too much noise.   
Curse her rotten luck. Curse her body that felt so wrong. Curse her name that didn't feel like it fit. Curse her family for everything they stood for.  
She knew tomorrow she would feel awful for thinking any of these things, but right now she was too tired and too angry to care.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more sad things bc thats all i know how to write,,, im jk, ill get to the comfort soon :0
> 
> this chapter includes:  
a coming out scene, more dysphoria, and several tears

Ariel woke with a knot in her stomach, guilt bubbling up from last night. She slowly made her way around her room, changing, then went from her bedroom to her bathroom, shuffling quietly in the pale morning light filtering in through the windows. She paused in front of the mirror in there and took in her reflection once more. Her eyes were still red-rimmed and watery, and she looked tired, even to herself.  
Ariel sighed and started going about her morning routine, ignoring the voice in her head telling her to just crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. She needed to go to school, couldn't afford to miss it, and besides, last time she'd tried something like that it had gone- well, poorly, to put it lightly.  
Ariel paused again, one hand holding her hairbrush, the other partially tangled in her hair. She hadn't had a real haircut in years, and her hair reached well past her shoulders. She set her brush down and drew her hair back, almost smiling at the way it made her hair look short. To be honest, Ariel thought she would look better with short hair, but she knew her parents would never let her cut it like that. She let her hair drop and began rummaging around for a hair tie, wondering vaguely what she would look like with blond hair. She had her mother's dark hair, and she hated it. But, she knew her parents were even less likely to let her do something like that, so she banished the thought from her head.  
Letting out a small noise of triumph at having found what she was looking for, she stood up straight again, meeting the eyes of her reflection for a brief second. She pulled her hair back again and, this time, secured it with the hair tie she found. She nodded, satisfied with her work, and walked back to her bedroom. 

The rest of her morning passed quickly, and soon enough, Ariel found herself back in school. Everything seemed to pass by in a blur, but also manage to drag on painfully slow. She was quite ready to go home by lunch time, but still made her way to the library. Perhaps she just needed some time to unwind.  
She picked up the book she had been reading yesterday and settled back at the same table, content to just be by herself for awhile. Her eyes ghosted over the words on the page, not really absorbing any of them. By the third time she started the page over, Ariel sighed and closed the book. For a moment, she contemplated just laying her head on the table and sleeping until lunch was over. Frankly, to her, that sounded better than being conscious at the moment.  
"Hey, Ariel," broke through her thoughts and she turned, startled, to see Crowley.  
"Oh! Hello, Anthony," she greeted, trying to keep the exhaustion out of her voice.  
"Crowley," he corrected, taking the seat across from her, like he had yesterday. "How've you been? You sound beat." Ah. She'd failed to sound awake.  
"Oh, you know. So much school work to do," she started, "Though, I suppose you wouldn't know, what with you're whole never going to class thing."  
"You've got me there, angel," he laughed, leaning back in his chair. They lapsed into silence again, and Ariel let her thoughts wander. They stayed like that for a moment, before she spoke up again.  
"Yesterday, when I introduced myself, you said you'd heard things about me? What sorts of things?" She asked, wondering who was even talking about her to Crowley in the first place.  
"Ah, that- well, that was mostly a joke, 'cause of what you'd said. It's just that I'd met your siblings and- no offence, really- they're all sort of, er..." he trailed off, averting his gaze and giving a half-shrug, "Figured you'd be the same, I s'pose."   
"And am I?" Ariel asked after a moment of silence, "The same?" She kept her tone light, also not meeting his eyes. He fidgeted for a moment, making a small noise in the back of his throat.  
"Er- well, no... far as I can tell, you seem to be the only bearable one of the bunch," he said, aiming for a casual tone. Ariel blinked at him, pausing for a moment, but eventually gave him a small smile.  
"Thank you," she said quietly, and Crowley returned the smile. They fell silent again, and she opened her book back up, but found herself lost in thought.  
It was odd. If anyone else had told her that she was different from her family, Ariel would have been upset. Hearing it from Crowley, though, felt... good. But this added to her guilt. She wasn't supposed to be talking to him. She was supposed to be like her family. It was frustrating, this ball of emotions that kept tangling in her chest. It made her so tired.  
The bell rang, drawing Ariel out of her thoughts. She sighed and stood up, getting ready to leave before Crowley spoke up.  
"Hey, d'you have a phone, Ariel?" he asked. Ariel resisted flinching at her name, and nodded in response. He reached his hand out, making a grabbing gesture. Ariel rolled her eyes at him, but smiled as unlocked her phone and handed it over. He gave her his phone and put his number in hers. She did the same, and they swapped back.  
"I'll see you around, angel," he said, shooting her a smile and a wave.  
"You too," she said, returning the gestures. She turned and hurried out of the library, not wanting to be late, and still feeling conflicted, but light. 

They kept meeting in the library. Crowley was in class, sometimes, but they never got to speak then. So, they sat in the library, sometimes talking and sometimes just spending time together. He'd smoke sometimes, or be on his phone others, and Ariel would be reading, or doing her school work. And so it became a sort of routine.   
Ariel found herself enjoying his company more than she thought she should. Her parents didn't know- couldn't know- and she'd prefer to keep it that way. She didn't think anything good could come of it if they did. But it made her feel awful, lying to her parents. Made her feel sick.  
Despite it all, though, she found her thoughts drifting to Crowley more than she'd like to admit. To his bright red hair, and his sunglasses (which she privately thought were rather dumb, not that she'd tell that to Crowley). She thought of his voice, and the way he sounded when he laughed. She thought of the small snake tattoo she'd glimpsed once or twice, curled by his ear. She thought of the way he leaned towards when she spoke.  
These thoughts all gave her extra feelings she was unsure of, that she'd rather not sort through. Feelings she was scared to have, because he'd never return them. Not when it was her. Not when she was- was this bad person. Not when her body was so wrong. Not when she... Just. Feelings she knew he'd never feel for her.  
But he kept meeting her in the library. And they continued to be friends.

Days turned into weeks, and the cyclical nature of it all was starting to get to Ariel. Despite the guilt that came with acknowledging it, the only parts of her day she looked forward to were the times she saw Crowley. She had so many confusing feelings and thoughts that went through her head at any given time, and it was all getting to be quite a lot. She'd cried on several occasions in the library, when she was certain she was alone. Today was supposed to be one of those days.  
"Hey, angel, how're- oh, shit, are you okay-?" Crowley asked, making Ariel jump.  
"Certainly, my dear, absolutely tip-top," Ariel replied quickly, sniffing and wiping her tears, turning so he couldn't see her. "I apologize for my current state, I didn't think you would be here today."  
"That's what you do when I'm not here then? Cry? If I'd have known that, I'd come to school more often," He joked, sitting across from her, concern managing to bleed into his tone, "Seriously, though, Ariel, what's going on?" Ariel couldn't help but flinch at her name this time. She opened and closed her mouth several times, unsure what to say or where to start.  
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Crowley said softly after a moment of silence. Ariel gave him a watery smile and cleared her throat.   
"Can I ask you a question, my dear?" She forced out.  
"You just did," he joked, making Ariel roll her eyes, "but yeah, shoot."  
"Aren't we hilarious," she started, giving an exaggerated sigh, amusement still evident in her tone, "but... there was- and you don't have to answer this, I understand that it's personal- there was a rumor going around that you were- are- are gay..." She paused, glancing away, "are you actually... gay?" Crowley raised his eyebrows at this, confused by the topic.  
"Er, well... no, not really. I mean, I don't have a specific preference, I suppose. I've been with guys and girls, so... Doesn't matter, I guess. Where'd this come from?" He replied, leaning forward.   
"...Gabriel... mentioned it once. I was just... Well, I-" Ariel floundered for a moment, thinking, unsure what she was trying to say. It... what else could it be? But that didn't make sense, she wasn't- wasn't... She shook her head and moved to stand, "I should go." She said, throat tightening as tears threatened to fall again. Crowley reached out and grabbed her arm, concern etched into his features.  
"Ariel, are you... are you gay?" He asked softly. She couldn't take it.   
"No," she said quickly, her voice breaking, "No, no, I- I can't be, my parents, that isn't, I don't like girls, I'm, I'm-" she cut herself off, choking on a sob as Crowley jumped up and moved around the table, drawing her into a hug. They stood together like that for several minutes, Ariel clinging to Crowley's as he patted her back.  
"Deep breaths, angel," he murmured, "talk to me whenever you're ready." She took several deep breaths, shaking slightly, trying to organize her thoughts. The bell suddenly rang, making them both jump, and Ariel pulled away then, uncertain. She glanced around for a moment, before sitting back down at the table.   
"Don't you have classes to get to?" Crowley asked gently, pulling the other chair around to sit next to her.  
"...No," she sighed, "Not now, I can't." Crowley hesitated, then reached out and grabbed one of her hands. She threaded her fingers through his, giving him a small, tired smile. She sat quietly for a few minutes, before finally speaking up again.  
"I... I don't want this to change anything between us. I don't want you to see me differently." She said softly, looking anywhere but Crowley.  
"Never," he assured her.   
"...Thank you." She said, then paused. How could she say this in a way that made sense? What if Crowley did think differently of her now? As if sensing her growing distress, Crowley gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. She took a deep breath, and continued.  
"This is... something I've been feeling my entire life. Just this, this feeling of being... out of place. Wrong. I'm not gay, I don't feel... I don't feel attracted to girls. Only ever boys. It's- it's hearing people call me by my name, call me a girl... it feels off. My body feels gross, looking at it, it doesn't feel like it should belong to me..." She trailed off and sighed again, then shook her head, "I'm sorry, this must be a lot. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense to you." She suddenly drew back, taking her hand from Crowley and folding them close to herself, leaning away from him. "You probably didn't even want to hear- want to deal with-" she said quickly, growing upset again.  
"No, no, hey- I think I might know what you're talking about," Crowley said quickly, "You... It sounds like you could be- that you're trans."  
"Trans?" She echoed, confused. The words sounded familiar, but...  
"Er... transgender. Like, you were born a girl, but you are a guy. It- it sounds... I mean," he tried, looking for the words, "I'm no expert. I've met trans people before, but I'm not..." he paused again and shook his head, then tried again, "Do you want to be a guy? Is there something else you want to be called?" Ariel blinked at him, processing.  
"I... I don't know. Not Ariel," she finally answered. "C-could you try it? Referring to me as a... as a boy?"   
"Yeah, anything you want, angel- is angel okay?" He replied almost immediately. When he got a nod in response, he continued, "Alright, yeah. So, like- if we were talking to someone and I introduced you, it'd be like- this is my friend, angel. Angel is a bit of an odd name, you say? Well, my angel is a bit of an odd guy. Not in a bad way, I mean. Angel isn't really even his name. He's kind of a book worm, but that's not all bad," he was rambling, but it made Arie- no, not Ariel. Angel? That... worked for the time being. It made Angel feel better. Angel couldn't help the hiccup that escaped as the tears returned. Crowley cut himself off suddenly, concerned again.  
"Is that not- do you-" he fumbled, reaching out again but pausing.  
"I'm sorry, my dear, no that's- that's exactly-" Angel tried, words failing for a moment, "That's perfect. Thank you." He- he! that felt so much better- settled on. Hesitantly, he reached out and took Crowley's hand, meeting him in the middle. Angel gave Crowley a smile and Crowley let out a sigh of relief, returning the smile. Angel still didn't quite fit as a name, he thought, but it was leagues above Ariel.   
The pair spent the rest of the day at school in the library, talking and just enjoying each others company. It was the most at peace and comfortable either had been in years.

The impact of their conversation didn't hit Angel until after dinner that night. He was suddenly overwhelmed with doubt and guilt. He couldn't- she couldn't be trans- that was... her parents had made that clear years ago, before he had all the words to make sense of what he- what she was. It was gross, and wrong, and, and- being Ariel felt just as bad.  
Tears were flowing again, and that night, when he fell asleep, he tossed and turned, dreaming of angels and serpents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i worry this is somewhat out of character for them,, i feel like im sort of rushing through things? i hope thats not the case :o please let me know if it is tho,,
> 
> as always, comments, kudos, and criticisms are always appreciated


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do a number of odd things in this chapter i hope this is still like. okay.
> 
> this chapter includes:  
questionable knowledge of bible stories, a major time skip for plot reasons, gabriel being a bad person (im not sure if this qualifies as emotional abuse please let me know if i need to tag that, im sorry), and kinda bad descriptions of disassociation

Adjusting to the new pronouns had been... odd. Not in a bad way. But there was still that little flutter in his stomach when Crowley called him a boy. He'd been thinking about their conversation for the past several days, overwhelmed by how easily Crowley had just accepted him. It still made his chest constrict to think about how his family might react if they knew.  
There was one thing Crowley had said that had been playing over and over in his mind, though. 'My angel.' Crowley had said 'MY angel.' It was on loop. He couldn't puzzle out why. Angel knew what he wanted it to mean. He just wasn't sure if he was reading too much into it. Maybe Crowley had just said that, and Angel was projecting. Maybe Crowley didn't mean anything by it.  
Oh, but how he hoped it meant something. 

"Do you dye your hair?" Angel asked suddenly one day, eyes on the dark roots that faded into the bright red of the rest of Crowley's hair. They'd do that on occasion- interrupt the comfortable bubble of silence around them to simply the other a question. There was no real rhyme or reason behind it, it was just something the pair had taken to doing. Angel had decided quietly to himself that, well, he rather enjoyed asking questions just to ask questions. He supposed it must be something he picked up from Crowley, the whole asking questions business.  
"Er... I mean, yeah," Crowley replied, surprise in his voice, "Why d'you ask?"  
"Just curious is all, my dear," Angel replied easily, giving him a small smile. His eyes flitted away for a moment, landing on Crowley's hand, which was resting on the table between them. He longed to reach out and take it.  
"Would you want me to dye your hair someday?" Crowley asked, catching Angel off guard this time.  
"Oh!" He replied, raising his eyebrows, "I've never given much thought to coloring my hair before. That might be fun." He decided, smile growing.  
"Don't have to color it if you don't want," Crowley shrugged, "could just bleach it. Make you blonde. We'd probably have to cut your hair first, though. That's a lot to try to do all at once."  
Cut his hair? His parents would not be okay with that... The bitter, angry part of him bubbled up then, determined to spite them. It was always a back and forth, his guilt at not being the perfect daughter at war with his want to go out of his way to dissapoint his parents.  
"That sounds lovely, dear," he replied after a beat. Crowley gave him a smile at that, and the pair fell back into a comfortable silence once more.

The pair had taken to texting quite frequently as well. Crowley liked to poke fun at Angel for the way he texted, but Angel refused to change it. However, if one were to look through the texts that Angel and Crowley sent back and forth (which no one should be, thank you, these were private conversations), they would find that Angel's style of texting had, in fact, become more casual the longer they texted.  
It seemed that Angel had actually been picking up some habits from Crowley. His style had changed somewhat, the skirts he used to wear replaced with slacks he still managed to match with his sweaters. He spent more time on his phone, started skipping classes, and his let his grades slip- mind you, he wasn't failing any classes, he wouldn't let that happen. But still, there were several major shifts in his attitude and mannerisms.  
In retrospect, he should be shocked that they managed to sneak around as long as they had.

They'd known each other for almost two years now. Thinking about that fact never ceased to amaze Angel. Time really had sort of... flown by.  
"Hey, Ariel, come here a moment," Anathema called to him as he entered the library that day. She was sitting by Newton Pulsifer, a rather nervous sort of person she had taken an odd liking to, as far as Angel could tell. He had grown closer to Anathema in the past couple of years as well, but not so much the other boy, though he seemed pleasant enough. Angel gave them both a smile as he approached.  
"Good morning," he greeted brightly, "what can I do for you?"  
"I was talking with Newt about the bible," she began, and Angel couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at this, "well, certain interpretations of the bible. There's an angel in some versions named Aziraphale. We were debating whether or not he was any good at his job, and we wanted another opinion." She explained. Angel glanced at Newt briefly, who looked somewhat out of his depths, and concluded that Anathema must have been talking more 'at' than 'with' him. She had that affect sometimes.  
"Aziraphale? That's certainly an interesting name," Angel began in response, "what exactly was his job?"  
"He was a Principality," Newt spoke up, an attempt to prove he had been listening to Anathema before Angel arrived.  
"The guardian of the eastern gate of Eden," Anathema further elaborated. "Newt said he wasn't any good at his job, because he let the Serpent into the garden and then humans were tempted into committing the Original Sin. I argued that it was based on perspective, because if that hadn't happened, humans wouldn't have free will." She explained at length. Angel paused for a moment, considering.  
"I do believe I'm inclined to agree with you, Miss Anathema," Angel began, and Anathema made a small, self-satisfied noise, shooting a glance at Newt, "I really do think I enjoy free will, and frankly, well... I think that, if God really did want to keep the Tree of Knowledge untouched, more precautions could have been taken to keep it safe. Put it... put it on a really tall mountain, or the moon, perhaps," he joked, giving the mismatched pair before him another smile. Anathema nodded in agreement, seemingly satisfied with that answer.  
"Thank you," she said, returning his smile. She was about to turn back to Newt before her eyes lit up, recalling something. "I think I saw Gabriel come in here earlier, so keep an eye out." Angel's shoulders dropped slightly at this, but he nodded none the less.  
"Thank you," he forced out, anxiety suddenly welling up in him, "you two have a wonderful day, my dears." He turned and started moving away from the two, glancing around as he made his way to his and Crowley's usual table (his and Crowley's usual table, that phrase normally filled him with butterflies). He'd never felt such paranoia in here, the library always acting as a sort of safe space, even before he met Crowley. Now, he felt somewhat sick. He hoped over and over that Gabriel wasn't really here as he wound his way through the rows and rows of bookshelves.  
These hopes were dashed rather violently as he came upon the corner inhabited by their table, and he found Gabriel occupying the seat that Crowley normally sat in. Angel's footsteps faltered and Gabriel glanced up, a small, knowing smile overtaking his features.  
"Ariel," he said simply, in lieu of a greeting, "I think we need to talk."  
"What's there to talk about?" He replied, voice tight. He shifted in place, and contemplated turning to leave before Gabriel opened his mouth to speak again.  
"What would our dear parents say if they knew what you had been doing, running around behind their backs all this time?" He asked, keeping his tone even. Angel felt ice run through his veins as their eyes met, his own panicked expression meeting Gabriel's casual one. Angel opened his mouth, floundering for a response as Gabriel stood up from the table.  
"Come now, Ariel, you couldn't really have thought this would last, could you? All this sneaking around, rebelling against authority, deluding yourself with the idea that you're- you're what, a boy? You've had your fun, but I think it's time we put an end to this. Come with me now, and we can leave this all behind us. I won't even mention it to our mother and father." He put his hand on Angel's shoulder, trying to convey sincerity through his words. "I mean, really, how could you think someone like Anthony Crowley could care about someone like you?"  
Angel's thoughts were racing. He couldn't force out a response, and he felt his hands shaking. His parents- Gabriel- Crowley- it was all too much to process. He couldn't- she wasn't- there were too many things going through her head right then, and there was a moment everything just seemed to shut down. She suddenly felt miles away. She nodded, numb, and heard Gabriel say something. She couldn't tell what he'd said, but he had an arm around her shoulders and he was guiding them back the way they came. He marched her out of the library and right back to where she was before she met Crowley. 

Bit by bit, her siblings undid everything she had grown to like about herself. She started wearing skirts again. She stopped responding to the texts Crowley sent her. She had started having lunch with her siblings, and she hadn't set foot in the library in weeks.  
She felt like she had been floating through everything recently, like she wasn't really present. Everything was happening around her, and she felt like she was watching from outside. Her classes passed by in a blur, and she couldn't recall entire conversations. The moments she did feel present were too much to process. If she could rationalize it and put it into words, she might compare it to being dunked into cold water repeatedly. The icy shock to her system paralyzing her until she became numb, only to have everything done over and over again. It was suffocating. She felt trapped.  
She knew at least one of her siblings was with her at all times. She knew her grades were slipping. She knew she was eating even less than she was before. She couldn't bring herself to care or do anything. She just found herself wishing for some way out.

She was home alone for the first time in weeks, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was a cinnamon candle burning on her bedside table, and the scent grounded her, making her feel more aware than she had in a while. Somehow, she vaguely thought that made her feel worse. Her phone started buzzing beside her, and she picked it up and answered without checking the caller ID.  
"Ariel Fell speaking," she greeted dully, too tired to pretend.  
"Angel?" The voice on the other end asked, and she sat up quickly.  
"Crowley-" she tried to respond, but the word died in the back of her throat, and she couldn't help the tears that sprung to her eyes.  
"I didn't expect you to answer. I haven't seen you in awhile and I got... I got worried. Book girl and her boyfriend said something about seeing you with Gabriel, and you haven't been responding to my texts... Look, if I did something to hurt you, I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything, I just wanted to tell you... I really- I..." Ariel heard him pause and take a deep breath on the other end of the receiver. There was a shuffling noise, a sigh, and she panicked, afraid he was going to hang up.  
"No!" she finally forced out, voice cracking. "No, no, please, I'm sorry. It was never you, I swear, it was never you. I'm so sorry, my dear, I'm sorry. I never should have-" her voice finally broke, and the tears in her eyes started falling. It was all too much suddenly, too much- she couldn't-  
"Angel! Hey, hey, deep breaths- calm down, it's okay, you're okay." He said quickly. It took a few minutes, but Ariel got her breathing under control again. She sighed, grip tight on her phone.  
"I'm sorry," she started again, "Gabriel... he- I was afraid he was going to say something to my parents... I shouldn't have..." she tried again.  
"It's okay, angel, I understand," Crowley interjected, "Gabriel is a prick anyway." He tacked on as an afterthought, earning a pitiful laugh from Ariel. They lapsed into a brief silence, before Ariel made up her mind to say something. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.  
"Listen, Crowley, I-" She started, before her bedroom door was slammed open. Her blood ran cold as she processed the angry face of her father, and Gabriel's smug smirk behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this isnt quite what i was planning for this but this is whats happening. im not upset with it? but i hope other people still like it,,
> 
> im thinking. one or two more chapters maybe before this is over.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuh. this chapter got a little out of hand. i know what i want from this story, but the getting there has changed once or twice  
this chapter gets a bit heavy,,
> 
> this chapter includes:  
a scene with child abuse, transphobia, running away from home
> 
> on a lighter note: this author has no sense of subtlety, and hopes the audience accepts the fluff/comfort sort of stuff later in the chapter

"What," her father growled, "did you just say?" He began moving across her room, and Ariel found herself shaking her head, tears threatening to return again.  
"Nothing, n-no, I swear it's- it's not-" Ariel started, voice pleading. She sat up straighter and tried moving back in her bed to put more distance between herself and her father. Distantly, Ariel could hear Crowley saying something through the receiver, but couldn't make out what it was as her father grabbed her wrist and ripped the phone from her hand. He glanced at the phone long enough to see who was calling, and when his eyes refocused on Ariel, she knew everything was over.  
"If you ever call this number again," he snarled into the phone, "it'll be the last thing you ever do." He hung up, then paused, seemingly contemplating something. Suddenly, he moved, and Ariel watched in horror as he hurled her phone across the room, a sickening feeling lodging itself in her stomach as it shattered against the wall. She tried to pull her wrist from his grasp, but he only tightened his grip, making Ariel flinch and stifle her pained gasp.  
"You can't do anything right, can you?" he asked darkly, making Ariel freeze. "You spend time with people like that boy, filling your head with delusions, ignoring your responsibilities. We give you the privilege of living under this roof, and you can't even repay us with the barest amount of respect? Do you think you're above that? Do you think you're better than us? Is that it?" His tone was dark and even, and Ariel found herself crying again as she shook her head.  
"Then what is it? WHAT IS IT?" He shouted, making her flinch again. She couldn't force out any words, fighting for air as she cried harder, still shaking her head. "You're... you think you're some kind of man. I'll tell you what you and every other freak who thinks like that should know- no matter how you mutilate your body, what you cut off or add, you will never be a real man. You're a worthless excuse for a woman and a daughter, as is." He finally let go of her, and left the room, slamming the door behind him as he went.  
Ariel curled into herself, sobs wracking her body. She tried to keep quiet, but couldn't help herself. Her mind screamed at her to do something- anything- but she was too numb to try. She had no way to get in touch with anyone. She couldn't call Crowley. She couldn't do anything. She felt trapped. The thought alone made her chest constrict painfully. What was she going to do?  
She heard noises coming from the rest of the house, recognized the sounds of dinner, then silence as everyone went seperate ways for the evening. No one said anything to her at any point that night, a small blessing she could privately be thankful for.  
Hours passed, her throat raw from sobbing as long as she had. Finally, slowly, Ariel untangled herself from her sheets and forced herself from her bed, carefully moving through her room to her desk. The digital clock resting there read 12:24 AM, and Ariel found herself frozen in place, staring at the display. A flash of lightning startled her out of her thoughts, the thunder outside echoed painfully in her chest, her heart hammering against her ribs. The rain outside came down in buckets, drowning the streets. Ariel turned from the window and found her shoes, tugging them on and lacing them up tightly. She found a jacket and shrugged it on, her breathing still shaky.  
She was leaving. She had to. She couldn't stay here any longer. She didn't have a phone anymore. She didn't have any money. She just had the clothes on her back and a flicker of hope, which sounded suspiciously like Crowley in the back of her head.  
She opened her bedroom door slowly, cautiously. She stepped out into the hallway, closing the door silently behind her. She crept down the stairs, ears and eyes strained for any hint of sound or movement. Finally, finally, she made it to the front door. She put her hand on the door knob, then paused.  
This was it. There was no going back. There was no more pretending, no more denying. It was just her against the world.  
She stepped out on to the doorstep, the closing of the door behind her adding to the sense finality. The wind bit at her exposed skin and the rain made quick work of soaking her to the bone. Still, she made her way away from the house, never once looking back.

The thought that she was glad it was the weekend made its way vaguely into her head as she woke up the next morning, sore and cold from having slept on a park bench the previous night. The weather was slightly better, now sprinkling instead of pouring, but it was still rather miserable outside. Ariel found herself wishing she had taken a few more steps to prepare before leaving last night. Hindsight was 20/20, she supposed.  
She sat up, yawning and stretching as she looked around. She grimaced as something popped rather painfully, and sat a moment longer, unsure what to do. It was early enough that not many people were up and about yet, but she knew the number of pedestrians would only increase the later it got. Perhaps she could ask to borrow someone's phone, that was somewhere to start.  
She pushed herself off of the bench, hissing slightly as her clothes readjusted, the cold and wet material pressing uncomfortably against her. She made her way closer to the road, where more people were bustling along, just beginning their days.  
"Er, excuse me-" she tried, only to be ignored, "I'm terribly sorry, I don't mean to be a bother-" she tried again. She continued to try to get anyone's attention, growing frustrated the longer she went ignored. Eventually, someone pushed some change in her hands and shoved past her, and she gave up with a huff. Ariel wandered farther back into the park and stopped to count the money. It wasn't a lot, but perhaps she could get something small to eat or drink somewhere, and maybe use a telephone. She set off from the park, keeping a tight grip on the money in her pocket.  
It took her some time, but she eventually found a small café that was open on a quiet street corner. She stepped inside, immediately comforted by the warmth of the interior and the smell of coffee. She glanced around as she made her way to the front counter, slightly relieved to see it was empty. Her eyes glanced over the menu, and she hesitated for a moment, wondering if perhaps it really was closed, when a lady wearing an apron stepped out from the back.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, love, I didn't hear you come in," she greeted warmly, giving Ariel a bright smile. "What can I do for you?" There was something about her that made Ariel feel at ease, and she returned the smile, albeit without the same brightness.  
"No harm done," she said simply, eyes flitting back up to the menu, "I was hoping to get a hot cocoa, please. And perhaps, if it's not too much of a bother, is there a phone I can borrow?" She ventured, wringing her hands nervously.  
"Of course, it's no bother at all," Eve, her nametag supplied helpfully, replied kindly. Ariel handed over the necessary amount of money and Eve handed over her phone in turn. "I'll be right back with that hot cocoa."  
"Thank you," Ariel said, smiling again, though this smile was clearly more tired. She turned away from the counter and sat at a nearby table. Hitting the power button to turn on the phone, Ariel was caught off guard. The lock screen was a photo of the woman, Eve, and a man. They were in what looked like a botanical garden of some sort, and they were looking at the other with such warmth and love, just smiling at each other. The look in their eyes made her think of Crowley...  
She shook her head, pulling up the number dial, feeling as if she'd over stepped some invisible boundary. She punched in the only phone number she'd ever bothered to memorize, despite never needing it before now, and waited, letting it ring. It went to voicemail, but she tried calling two, then three times, before deciding to leave one.  
"Crowley, it's Ar... er, Angel. I'm sorry about last night, my dear. I no longer have my phone, so I couldn't reach you. I made a rather hasty decision last night, I think. I'm not certain how you can reach me after this, but if you get this early enough, I'm at a little café near that park, near our school. Something with Eden in the name, I believe..." she paused and smiled to herself at this, the name hitting her at last, appropriate for the situation, "I don't mean to bother you with any of this, I just... wanted to let you know I was okay, after last night. I'll see if I can get in touch again soon. Goodbye."  
She clicked the button to hang up, and turned in her seat to stare out the window. The world continued to turn outside, people milling about, paying her no mind as they went about their mornings. She felt at peace, the exhaustion that was eating at her receding for a moment.  
"Here you go, sweetheart," Eve said, reappearing from the back again, setting down a cup of cocoa and a small plate of biscuits, obviously not an item from the display case of foods. Ariel glanced up in surprise.  
"Oh, thank you, you didn't have to-" she bagan, only for Eve to interrupt.  
"Oh, please, it's no skin off my back. Besides, you look like you could use a bit of kindness," she said easily, slipping into a chair next to her. The warmth in her voice washed over her, and Ariel found herself unable to respond for a moment. Eve wasn't from around here- her accent gave her away, faint as it was, though Ariel couldn't place it- but her being here felt like a part of some divine plan.  
"Thank you," she said quietly, then remembered herself. "Oh! Here, I'm sorry," she quickly handed the phone back over to Eve.  
"Like I said, it's no problem," she repeated, taking the phone, "Were you able to get in touch with anyone?"  
"Oh, er... no. I left a voicemail, I... don't know if he'll call back in time," Ariel shrugged, pulling the cup of cocoa closer to herself and blowing gently on it to cool it off.  
"Well, you're welcome to stay here as long as you like, until he does," she said, making Ariel pause. The exhaustion crept back in, and Ariel wondered if it was visible at this point, some dark and heavy cloud hovering over her. She gave Eve another tired smile and 'thank you' anyway.  
"If you don't mind," Eve began after a beat, "can I ask what lead to you being here this morning?" Ariel took a careful sip of her cocoa, contemplating her answer.  
"Well, I... I suppose one could say I got into a fight with my family. It's been a bit of a long time coming, I'm afraid. So I left. And I know it might sound somewhat like I'm exaggerating, but I can't go back." Ariel said slowly, picking her words with caution.  
"I think I can understand that," Eve said simply, not pressing the matter. They fell into silence again, Ariel picking at the biscuits and drinking her cocoa. Eventually, Eve stood up to help someone who had just come in the front door. She came back over to check on Ariel from time to time, and made small talk during the down time, and the morning passed like that. Ariel lost track of time after awhile, content to just sit and be paid no mind. Her little bubble was popped eventually, though, when she heard the sound of a phone ringing and Eve speaking.  
"Good morning, Eden Café, this is Eve speaking. How can I help you?" She said into her phone. There was a pause, then, "Uh huh. Can I ask who's speaking?" Another beat. "Just a moment, please." Eve made her way around the counter and over to Ariel, phone held away from her.  
"There's an 'Anthony Crowley' calling for an 'Angel.' Would that happen to be you?" She asked, gaze protective. Ariel felt something well up in her chest again and nodded quickly, hoping her eyes didn't betray her feelings. She hadn't felt this welcome or safe anywhere in years, save for one exception, and now she just wanted to hear his voice. Eve's expression softed a bit, and she handed over the phone, and turned to go back to work (though, Ariel noted, still close by).  
"Crowley?" Ariel asked into the phone hopefully.  
"Angel!" The voice on the other end bit back, and Ariel felt a flood of relief run through her. "Angel, are you okay? Where are you? What happened-?" She cut him off with a startled laugh, one that promised tears if pushed too far.  
"One question at a time, my dear, please." She said, trying to keep herself together, "I'm alright. I'm okay, I promise," (and this was partially a promise to herself, to be okay, if only for someone else's sake), "I'm at the Eden Café. I don't think it's all that far from our school, do you know the area-?"  
"Yes, yeah, yeah- I'll be right there!" Crowley interjected, tone hurried. Ariel could vaguely hear the sound of a door being opened then slammed shut, followed a few moments later by a car being started.  
"Crowley, you don't have to-" Ariel found herself saying out of habit, before Crowley cut her off again.  
"Out of the question, Angel, I'm already on my way. See you in ten, fifteen minutes tops." He said and hung up, effectively ending their debate. She stared at the phone blankly for a moment, processing everything. Eve came back over after a couple minutes, resting a hand on Ariel's shoulder.  
"Everything okay, love?" She asked, and Ariel nodded, a small smile on her face as she handed the phone back for the last time.  
"Yes," She replied, something in her lighting up at the fact that this was the truth, "My friend is on his way."  
"I'm glad to hear that," Eve smiled back, "Anything else I can do for you before he gets here?"  
"No, thank you, not at the moment. Your hospitality has been more than enough," Ariel said back.  
"Let me know then, sweetheart," Eve nodded, heading back to the counter. Ariel nodded back, then turned to face the windows to the street, using all her self-control to not count the minutes it would take for Crowley to arrive at the small establishment. The cycle the morning had fallen into returned, and Ariel found herself growing restless. Just when she thought she couldn't wait any longer, she saw Crowley's old, beat up car that he'd been driving for the better part of three or four years pull up and stop by the kerb. Vaguely, though she knew this wasn't the time to recall something like this (everything felt like so much, she was just trying to recollect as much as she could at the moment), she remembered Crowley mentioning how he wanted a vintage Bentley someday. It worked for him, somehow.  
Crowley stepped out of the car, looking as disshevled as Ariel felt, and something lurched rather violently in her at that thought. She found herself standing up from the table as Crowley's gaze locked onto the building and he made his way inside. Their eyes found each other's, and Crowley took large strides across the room to get to her, pulling her into tight hug once he did. Ariel froze for a moment, then suddenly, all at once, everything came crashing back down on her. She couldn't help the trembling that overtook her as she hugged him back just as tight. He was murmuring something in her ear as her tears spilled out of her eyes, soaking into his jacket. She quickly realized the state she was in, though more dry than she was earlier, her clothes were still damp, and she pulled back.  
"I'm so- so sorry, my dear, I-" She tried to choke out through tears, rubbing at her eyes with her sleeves, and Crowley shushed her.  
"Angel, Angel, no, you're fine," he guided them back down into seats, taking her hands in his. "I'm just glad you're okay... But, I need to know, what happened?" Ariel stared into Crowley's eyes (God, his eyes, his beautiful golden eyes she barely got to see), the thought that he wasn't wearing his glasses (where were his glasses? Had he forgotten them in a rush to get here? No, that didn't sound right) belatedly flitting through her mind as she struggled to find words. What was she supposed to say? She didn't have a phone, her father had gotten angry and broken it (she could still feel his hand around her wrist, the panic in her throat), she left home (she couldn't go back, couldn't-), that her father found out what she was (disgusting, disappointing, worthless, freak- too much too much too much-).  
"Hey, c'mon, come back to me, Angel," Crowley said, rubbing soothing circles into the backs of her hands, "You don't have to tell me now, it's okay. Let's get out of here. You look like you could use a hot shower and a change of clothes."  
"That does sound lovely," she started, then trailed off, "I don't have anywhere to go, though." She mumbled, looking away. Crowley paused, seemingly contemplating.  
"You can stay with me," he offered, voice soft, "if you'd like." Ariel's eyes snapped back to his, and there was something there she couldn't quite grasp. Ariel hesitated, searching his face- though she wasn't sure what for. Finally, she gave him a small smile and nodded.  
"I would like that very much, my dear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was meant to be the second to last chapter, but it got to be over 3k words, and i didnt want it to be too meandering or unfocused, because i have other things i want to write for this story and i thought where it ended was nice. so! officially, unless some other wild thing happens, there will be 2 more chapters after this, making this fic 6 total chapters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took awhile im sorry ksahhavs,,, but i got it done! this is. all soft.
> 
> this chapter includes:  
like only soft stuff

It was late morning by the time the pair made it back to Crowley's place. Crowley led the way up the stairs to his flat, opening the door for Ariel. From the outside, the building looked a little rundown, but Crowley's space was very well-kept. Ariel let her eyes wander through the room, taking in the details she'd never gotten to see before. There was a blanket on the couch, Crowley's glasses and a partially eaten plate of food on the coffee table in front of him. Perhaps he'd fallen asleep on the couch last night.  
"Sorry for the mess, Angel, I was in a bit of a rush this morning, what with- well, you know. Er, I'll see if I can find you a towel and something to change into, for your shower..." Crowley said, interrupting her meandering thoughts. She gave him a nod, which he returned, then watched as he hurried off to another room. She turned her attention back to the room, walking over to a window ledge covered in plants of different shapes and colors.   
He had explained it to her once, how he essentially had his own flat. Something about how his parents were always traveling, and a friend of the family owned the building... It all sounded rather contrived to her, to be honest. But Crowley was safe, and seemed comfortable, and kept things tidy, so Ariel was happy if he was.   
Ariel stared down at the plants in the window, various shades of green staring back up at her. They all looked to be in wonderful condition, and Ariel had another thought of Crowley mentioning vaguely, once, that he took care of plants. She heard Crowley step back into the main part of the flat and turned to see him holding a large black sweater, pajama pants, and a towel. He fumbled with his words for a moment before finally getting something out.  
"W- er- uh, I found this stuff, I hope it'll fit," he made his way across the room and Ariel met him halfway, taking the bundle from him. "Bathrooms just over here." He finished, leading the two of them to a door down a short hallway.  
"I'll, uh, leave you to it," he said, backing up.  
"Thank you, my dear," Ariel said, entering the bathroom. She let the door close behind her and flipped on the lights, leaning against the door for a moment to collect her thoughts.   
She was okay. She would be okay. Crowley was there.  
She began to undress from the clothes she'd been wearing all day, realizing with distaste they smelled as bad as she felt. She kicked them into a corner of the bathroom and turned the shower on, waiting for it to get warm before stepping in. She let the water run over her, soothing her, just basking in the warmth for a moment before she began washing herself. She tried to be quick, to keep from worrying Crowley, but ended up losing track of time. A knock on the door startled her oit of her thoughts.  
"You alright in there, Angel?" Crowley's voice came from the hallway.  
"Yes, terribly sorry! I'm fine, my dear, I'll be out in just a moment," she called back, shutting the water off.  
"Take your time, just checking on you" he called back, falling silent afterwards. She grabbed the towel off the bathroom sink and dried off hastily, then tossed on the clothes Crowley had loaned to her. She paused by the sink then, gaze catching her reflection.  
She looked tired. She looked awful. She looked wrong.  
She glanced away, unable to look any longer. attention grabbed by the mess on the sink she'd missed before. There was a pair of scissors, an empty box of red hair dye, and a scattering of hair ties. The drain around the sink was stained red, and Ariel couldn't help the amusement that flicked across her face. It was quickly replaced by saddness and the urge to do something drastic.  
Ariel grabbed a hair tie and pulled her hair into a quick ponytail, then grabbed the scissors. She couldn't keep the tears back anymore, and gritted her teeth, taking the scissors to her hair. The cut was uneven, and the hair still damp, but she still felt better afterwards. She stared at her reflection, frozen, hair in one hand and scissors in the other, tears still streaming down her face.  
This is what she (no, no- that was wrong, had been wrong-) this is what he should look like.   
"Angel?" Crowley called, knocking on the door again. Ari- Angel was startled out if his reverie, dropping the scissors, cringing as they clattered in the sink. Crowley threw open the door, panic in his stance until the scene in front of him registered. He had his glasses back on, and Angel couldn't read his face.  
"I-I'm so-s-sorry, I-" Angel tried, unable to get the words out, throat constricting. He could feel himself trembling.  
"You're fine, Angel, let's just get you cleaned up," he replied, moving forward. Angel nodded in response, swallowing around the knot in his throat still choking him, allowing Crowley to move him.

The sun hung heavy in the sky, barely visible behind a sea of clouds, the day's afternoon coming and going quickly. Arie- (no, no-) Angel was staring at his reflection again, eyes burning for what felt like the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours. True to his word, Crowley had helped him clean up, giving him a proper hair cut and bleaching his hair.  
He finally felt more at ease, looking at himself now. His curls sat loosely on his head, the shortest they'd been in- well, likely since he was a child- and they were colored a light, almost white-blonde.   
"Thank you, truly, dearest," he said, turning to face Crowley.  
"'S not a big deal, really," Crowley replied, flushing. He shrugged, averting his eyes, but Angel still smiled warmly at him. "C'mon, let's figure out something for dinner."  
"That sounds lovely," Angel agreed, following Crowley out of the bathroom for the final time that night.

An hour or two later, the pair found themselves laughing next to each other on the couch, boxes of chinese takeout on the coffee table in front of them. The laughter died down, and the two fell into a warm silence, just glad for each other's company. Angel's eyes found their way to Crowley's snake tattoo again, and he paused, thinking.  
"I apologize for the sudden change of topic, my dear, but I have a question for you, if you don't mind," he said, catching Crowley's attention.  
"Sure, shoot," he replied, turning to face Angel.  
"What do you think of the name Aziraphale?" Angel asked, amusement still in his tone and eyes bright.  
"'Zira-fell? Sounds like another biblical name," Crowley said, cocking an eyebrow.  
"It is!" Angel responded with a smile, "Anathema mentioned him to me, once. In the bible, Aziraphale was the angel tasked with guarding the eastern gate of the Garden of Eden. He was meant to keep out demons and the like, such as the serpent that tempted Eve into the original sin. I think I rather like the name myself."  
"Seems like he did a rather piss poor job, then, considering," Crowley said, snickering. Angel gave a slight laugh as well, before a soft look overtook him again.  
"Perhaps that's not such a bad thing," he said quietly, and without thinking, he leaned over and pressed his lips to Crowley's tattoo, leaving a gentle kiss there. Crowley froze, and Angel recoiled like he'd been shocked, already stuttering out an apology.  
"I-I-I'm so sorry, my dear, I- that w-was inappropriate, I've overstepped my- I shouldn't have-" he tried, panicked. Crowley tried several times to interrupt, but failed. He made a frustrated noise, then grabbed Angel by the shirt.  
Angel's train of thought crashed rather violently as Crowley pulled the two of them back together. Their mouths met in a rushed kiss, and Angel tried to meet Crowley's energy as best as he could. It wasn't skilled on Angel's end, as most first kisses usually are, but he found himself smiling despite that fact.They broke for air, both blushing a rather brilliant shade of red. Angel had a somewhat stupid, love struck smile on his face, unable to form words. Crowley felt similarly, if the starstruck look in his eyes behind his crooked glasses was any indication. After a moment of silence, Crowley cleared his throat and fixed his glasses.  
"Hope that wasn't, er, overstepping anything," he said, looking away.  
"Not at all, my dear boy," Angel replied somewhat breathlessly, "If it's all the same to you, I rather think I'd like to do that again."  
"I think I can make that happen," Crowley answered. He reached over to Angel, his Angel, and pulled the pair together again.

Hours later, the couple was curled close in bed, hand in hand, facing each other. Crowley's golden eyes were half-lidded, clearly close to sleep, but Angel found himself wide awake. His gaze was soft, but his mind was racing, unable to follow one thread before being distracted by another one. Crowley blinked slowly at him, giving him a tired smile.  
"Angel," he said lowly, breaking through his thoughts, "I can almost hear you thinking from here. What's going on?"  
"Ah, nothing, my dearest. Simply lost in thought," he tried to reassure. Crowley brought the back of Angel's hand up to his mouth, pressing a kiss there.   
"You can tell me anything. You know that, right, Angel?" He replied, eyes painfully soft. Angel swallowed thickly, nodding, his own gaze softening.  
"I suppose I'm just," he started, searching for the right words, "worried. I don't know what my parents or siblings are going to do. If they're going to do something. Or what I'm going to do."  
"You don't have to worry about them. Everything's gonna be alright." Crowley responded, pausing, clearly searching for words as well, "We're on our own side here. You don't have to face anything alone. I'll be right beside you, every step of the way."  
"I... thank you." Angel simply said, bringing his free hand to rest on Crowley's cheek, running his thumb along his cheekbone. They fell into silence once more, staring into each other's eyes, content to just sit there for as long as they could. A few moments later, though, Crowley made a noise, as if he had just recalled something.  
"One last question," Crowley began, waiting until Angel nodded in response, "Aziraphale. Did you bring that name up earlier because that's what you want to be called?" Angel paused at this, thinking.  
"Er... yes. If it's not too much trouble, my dear," he replied after a moment, glancing away.  
"No trouble at all," Crowley replied quickly, followed by, "do you mind if I still call you angel? Not as a name, really. More of a... pet name, or somethin'..." He trailed off towards the end.  
"That's perfectly fine by me, dear," Angel replied. Crowley gave him a smile, grabbing the hand resting on his face with his own free hand, and turned it so he could press kisses against his angel's wrist. He trailed kisses up his arm, pulling them closer so he could press kisses against his love's face as well. He peppered kisses everywhere he could reach, murmuring 'my angel', 'Aziraphale', and other sweet nothings between each one, relishing in the delighted noises the subject of his affection was making. He finally pulled away after several minutes to just stare into his angel's eyes again.  
"Everything's going be okay." He said matter-of-factly, pulling him into a final embrace so they could drift off together.  
Everything was going to be okay, Crowley said. And Aziraphale believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok! for real! only one more chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> can you tell i dont know anything about smoking?? hah,,, i dont really know why i included that bit. i hope this is all... relatively in character. i thought it worked for the scene.  
this is meant to be set in England, btw, but i dont know anything abt school there, though, so this is going to be.... inaccurate.
> 
> also heres a random fun fact: i started writing this with the intention for it to just be a one-shot type deal, so i saved it as 'gomens drabble 2 electric tickety-boo' (bc this is the second go thing ive written) and i refuse to change it bc i think that im a comedic fucking genius.  
anyway. thank you for reading! kudos and comments are always appreciated <3


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